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I'll start off with this one.

An old Italian woman is riding the elevator in a very lavish New York City office building.

A young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator and smelling like expensive perfume turns to the old Italian woman and says arrogantly, "Giorgio - Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce!"

The next young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator and also very arrogantly turns to the old Italian woman and says, "Chanel No. 5, $150 an ounce!"

About three floors later, the old Italian woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, bends over and farts....... "Broccoli - 49 cents a pound!"
 

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What's the difference between BEER NUTS and DEER NUTS...

BEER NUTS is under 2.99

DEER NUTS is under a BUCK.

Rick
 

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A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says "why the long face?"
 

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You know why be married?

You can speak about this problems you dont have without her !
 

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A man goes to a monastery where he takes a vow of silence. He is allowed to speak two words every ten years.

The first decade passes. The man comes out of his cell-like room where he has been meditating, and, for his two words, says "Food cold".

Ten more years go by. He comes out again, and says "Bed hard".

A further ten years pass. He has been there thirty years now. He comes out and says "I quit".

The monk in charge said, "That doesn't surprise me a bit. You've done nothing but complain the whole time you've been here!"

(best clean one I know!)
 

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Three guys are fishing when Fred gets up to get a
beer, loses his balance and falls out of the
boat. Ed says " What should we do?"


Bill says, "You better jump in after him, he's
been under water for a while, he might need
some help."


So Ed jumps in, and after some time, he surfaces.
He says, "Help me get him in the boat."


They wrestle Fred back into the boat.
Ed says, "What do we do now, it doesn't look like
he's breathing."


Bill says, "Give him mouth to mouth."


Ed starts to blow air into Fred's mouth and says,
"Whoa, I don't remember Fred having such bad
breath."


Bill says, "Come to think of it, I don't think
Fred was wearing a snowmobile suit, either."
 

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Two lobsters were sunbathing on the beach.
The girl lobster suggested that the boy lobster go get them
an ice cream cone.


Having purchased two cones, Mr Lobster made his way back to
the beach, deciding on the way to eat his ice cream. By the time
he had finished the ice cream, he realized that his girlfriend's had
started to melt all down his claw, so he licked it up and ended up
eating it too.


When he arrived back at the beach Ms Lobster exclaimed "Where's
my ice cream cone?


"Well", he said. "I decided to eat mine, then yours melted so I ate
that too."


She was incensed and cried "You shellfish bastard!!"
 

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Cave men learned quick!!

Do you know why they dragged women they clubbed around by the hair???

I you drag 'em by the foot.....they fill up with dirt!!!
 

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Heres the difference between erotic and kinky. Erotic is when you use a feather. Kinky is when you use the whole chicken.
 

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The UN Ambassador from Saudia Arabia has just delivered an address to the UN in NYC. As he is leaving the building he meets the UN Ambassador ftom the United States. The walk off together into NYC.

The US ambassador asks the Saudia Ambassador how he is enjoying his stay in America. The Saudia Ambassador replies that he enjoys America but he has a question he would like answered.....

Go ahead says the US Ambassador. I will do my best to answer any questions you have regarding our country.

The Saudia Ambassador explains that his son enjoys coming to New York. He enjoys watching Star Trek when he is here. But I wonder, he says, Star Trek has American, Asian, Blacks, and Russians but there are no Arabs. Why are there no Arabs in Star Trek?

That's simple to explain replyies the US Ambassabor, Star Trek takes place in the future.

 

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Ok a long one but worth it

2 guys go out on a boat fishing
as they are leaving the dock they see a man sitting with a fishing pole on the edge of the dock with a line in the water.

The 2 men stay out all day,several hours they are gone.They return to the dock just at sundown to find the same man sitting in the exact same place where they saw him last.

One man decides to make conversation and asks the man"On a little fishing trip?"

The man replies "No ,actually Im on my honeymoon,the wife is back at the hotel"

Astonished the man asks him"Why arent you with her making love on your honeymoon?"

The man replies"I cant make love to her,She Has VD,I cant cuddle with her she has diahrea,and I cant kiss her she has the worst breath youve ever smelled"

The other man asks'pardon me for asking but...why did you marry this woman?"

The man replies"Well....She's got worms too...and you know how I LOVE to FISH!"
 

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Man's pulling on a mule trying to get it to move. The mule steps on his foot, after screaming obscenities, the man says to the mule "that's one!" He finally gets the mule moving when it suddenly stops and sits down, dumping his cargo. The man screams at the animal "Thats two!". Finally he gets home and as he is unloading the beast the mule pisses on him. At the top of his lungs he yells "Thats three!!" And shoots the creature dead where it stood. The mans wife comes running out of the house yelling " what the hell did you do that for you @$#4y6 stupid so and so!" The man looks her in the eye and says "Thats one!"

<font size=-1>[ This Message was edited by: Rich Long on 12/24/01 11:37pm ]</font>
 

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Two development aid volunteers are in egypt and make a excurion on the river Nil.
The boad is sinking and they begin to swim.
They see how Krokodiles went into the water.
Says the one to the other:
I cant understand , they are realy poor, nothing to eat but rescue boats from Lacoste .
 

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A Ford racer & a Chevy racer are in a plane, also in this plane is a goat that is the mascot of the car club they are both in,then it happens, the plane's engine dies & the pilot tells everyone to bail out.The Chevy guy asks"what about our goat?" The Ford guy shouts "F#@%& that damn goat", The Chevy guy looks out the door & sees the ground coming up fast & says "Reckon we will have time?"
 

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A blond is driving by a cornfield and sees another blond in the cornfield in a row boat. The blond driver stops the car and starts to yell at the blond in the row boat. "What are you doing in a row boat?" askes the driver. "I'm tring to row to the other side of the field" answers the blond in the boat. The blond driver yells back " You stupid bitch!! You give the rest of us blonds a bad reputation. If I could swim I come out there and kick your ass."
 

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An old Amish man is on his way into town one day and his horse and buggy are hit by an oncoming car. The driver of the car calls the police to report the accident. As the old man lays in a ditch all he can think about is the pain. I hope that someone comes quickly to my rescue!! Then the old man hears his horse cry in pain in another ditch and thinks I hope that someone comes quickly to the horses rescue. Soon a state trooper arives on the site of the accident. Finding the horse first, the trooper draws his gun and puts the horse out of his misery. After several minutes of searching the tooper finds the old man. "How come you didn't call for help when I arrived? Are you hurt?" asked the trooper. After thinking about the horses fate, the old man begins to scream at the trooper "I'm fine!! I'm fine!!
 
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